Telstar New Ambassadors Theatre Thursday before last, WPKAW treated me to an evening at the theatre. She chose the play. By some fluke, and to my relief, we didn't end up going to see some Andrew Lloyd Webber, Abba, Queen or Eastenders musical revamp. Probably because she could get tickets for Telstar very cheaply through work. Telstar is a biography of record producer Joe Meek written by Nick Moran (he of Lock Stock). Joe manipulates his acts to produce the music that he wants, doesn't pay them, has sex with some of the men, goes loony and kills a couple of people and then himself. Comical but ultimately tragic with a strong lead from Con O'Neill.

The Ivy Seeing as the New Ambassador Theatre is immediately across the street from C-list celeb haven restaurant, The Ivy, we took a chance and tried to get a table on the spur of the moment. The Ivy had a reputation of being fully booked up weeks in advance, but in the three times I've tried, I've never had a booking and have always got a table. If I were cynical I might suspect the reputation were promoted by the place itself. Food and service is generally good, but the tables are too close together. The place just feels cramped to me. Now run as part of the Caprice group, it has more of a chain feel than the last time I went. Ok as a pre-theatre nosh up, or to impress easily impressed tottie, but not one of my favourites. No celebs in attendance while we were there, but there were cameras waiting outside later on. Turns out Ricky Gervais was having some bangers and mash.

As You Like It Wyndhams Theatre Saturday before last I took WPKAW to the theatre to see some proper culture in the shape of Shakespeare's As You Like It.  Fortunately Sienna Miller did not totally ruin the play as she only had a supporting role (Celia), despite being used for all of the advertising. Helen McCrory (Rosalind) is the kind of actress that simply owns the stage. Where Miller is obviously remembering the lines and allows them to direct her action, McCrory (cliched as it sounds) lives her part. The actress and the author's character are two sides of person on stage and she instantly wins the audience's empathy like that of an old friend. Except her large doe eyes tear up very easily. Always puts me off a woman, that does.

J Sheekey Dinner that night was at another Caprice group restaurant. Again, good food (seafood themed) and service, but too crowded with tables. Take it from me, Sevruga doesn't add enough to Eggs Benedict to warrant it the £40 cost for a starter.

A Night in Casualty The Whittington Not a theatrical piece, but a comedy of errors none the less. We follow a clumsy idiot as he pours a two gallon pan of boiling water over his arm. Our hero (moi) does the right thing and immediately runs his arm under a cold tap at full blast for ten minutes. But he makes the mistake of underestimating his injuries and then continues to prepare and eat dinner in front of Sunday evening's TV. By 10pm, I had my arm in a bucket of iced water to ease the soreness, but that was working less and less. A quick call to NHS Direct confirmed WPKAW's suspicion that I was being overly brave and really should get myself to hospital. By now, taking the arm out of water was like plunging it into flames.

Do you know how silly you can feel walking into casualty on a Sunday night with you arm in a bucket of water? Service was prompt. Staff were polite and efficient. Triage nurse was cute. I appreciated her telling me that the pain would be excruciating when oxygen hit it when I had to take my arm out of the bucket so she could apply a temporary dressing. Nice to have an official calibration of pain levels.

A+++ would use NHS again.

A week in Portugal. With WPKAW and midgets. Missed connections. Lost luggage. Double booked rooms Fun. WPKAW got stressed when our first flight was delayed so we missed our connection in Lisbon. She got a little more stressed when our luggage did not arrive in Faro either. Still a little more stressed when the hotel admitted that on changing computer systems*, some confirmed bookings had been lost and we didn't have the suite I had booked. She did admit that it wasn't worth ruining the holiday over though. She also conceded that me being immutably calm is rubbing off on her. She can now shrug at things that a year ago would have had her in tears of impotent rage. We got neighbouring rooms for us and the midgets for three nights and then were moved to one of the superior suites for the last four nights. Our luggage arrived lunchtime of the second day while we were out shopping for clothes. We were sensible enough to have packed one change each in hand luggage.

The week was spent with me keeping in the shade and out of the water with my arm covered while watching the midgets and WPKAW play for hours in the 30 meter pool. Couldn't have planned it better. Apart from the discomfort. Portimao Marina is pretty peaceful, but with enough amenities, bars, restaurants and shops to spend a week without having to go elsewhere.

Minor midget (8) swam without buoyancy aids for the first time and was confident enough by the end of the week to be diving in, swimming around underwater and generally acting like some pinniped, more natural in the water than out.

We spent one day at an aquatic themed zoo/park. Dolphin displays were pretty good, but paled in comparison beside the spectacle that was Peter Pan! Yes, Peter Pan, voiced in a Yorkshire accent, with seals and sea-lions playing most leading parts. Just like Coronation Street really.

One day was also spent out on a sailing yacht I chartered along the coast to Lagos. A bit like the video for Duran Duran's Rio. Except no tossers in pastel suits.

[*] The hotel's new computer system was a nightmare and that reflected in the staff unfortunately. The temps that cover the holiday season found it almost as frustrating as the customers and it showed. Food orders went missing, table, room and service bookings went missing. The staff were harried. The whole system ran on Windows apparently and they were all very proficient at pressing ctrl-alt-del. The point of the new system was to connect to all the other hotels in the group across the world. But apparently that feature was even more flakey so no ne used it for fear of crashing the system yet again.